Staking Talk and Taking Stock: Assay on Errs

by Stephanie Olsen

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.

--Mark Twain

Few people need to weigh each word as carefully as do writers – especially when writing for other writers. (*gulp!*) Once it's in print, that hackneyed expression you meant to replace remains, your misplaced apostrophe or unintentionally awkward alliteration uncorrectable. (Makes the world of e-pubs suddenly quite appealing, eh?)

I suppose it's not quite like when a surgeon takes out a kidney instead of appendix, but doesn't it feel as if the world just might actually end when you see your slip in black and white? I know, I know: I hear the raised voices "Blame The Editor!" coming across clearly – but still, it's your name on the byline. (Unless you write for the erotica market and don't want your mom to know.)

So how do you avoid catastrophe? Do like the Big Egg:

 

 

"When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful tone,
"it means just what I choose it to mean--neither more nor less."

--Lewis Carroll [Through the Looking Glass]

Malapropisms, if mistakes of any sort are to be made, should be aimed for. It's admittedly difficult to argue a misspelled word or punctuation gaff – but using the wrong word the right way! Ah, now that's the stuff of genius.

Instead of making a common faux-pas such as this actual newspaper headline:

Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests

why not try something sniffy like:

• After doing 150 sit-ups, her abominable stomach muscles were a bit sore.

• He told the most hysterical antidote!

• He's an absolute clown, a real lagoon.

If you can't get the malapropos statement down packed, perhaps you might just play a bit with homophones – words that sound the same, but have different spellings. It may be difficult to top the following homophobic masterpiece, but don't writers attend the impossible each and every day? (*gosh, I'm killing myself!*)

Verbal Confusion

Wood you believe that I didn’t no

About homophones until too daze ago?

That day in hour class in groups of for,

We had to come up with won or more.

Mary new six; enough to pass,

But my ate homophones lead the class.

Then a thought ran threw my head,

“Urn a living from homophones,” it said.

I guess I just sat and staired into space.

My hole life seamed to fall into place.

Our school’s principle happened to come buy,

And asked about the look in my I.

“Sir,” said I as bowled as could bee,

“My future roll I clearly see.”

“Sun,” said he, “move write ahead,

Set sail on your coarse, Don’t be mislead.”

I herd that gnus with grate delight.

I will study homophones both day and knight.

For weaks and months, through thick oar thin,

I’ll pursue my goal. Eye no aisle win.

—George E. Coon

The Reading Teacher, April, 1976

So in these whining last days of the year, why not make a revolution that yours will be great, big, BEAUTIFUL mistakes! Errors that sing in their munificence, inventing your fellow writers and lovers of words to join merrily in.

Best of the Holly Days to you and yores!

Stephanie Olsen, when not searching for JustMarkets, lets off steam by writing silly stuff. Get her bi-weekly JustMarkets newsletter completely free – and when you sign up, she'll toss in a   free thank-you gift  

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