The Curmudgeon Speaks

Be Careful What You Say When Alone In a Field ‘Cause the Corn Has Ears: And Other Hokey Musings

By Pamela Beers

If you are looking for a sophisticated, worldly article to read, this isn’t it. If, on the other hand, you are into reading something hokey and inane, this is the article for you. You know, the kind of prose that makes you wince and groan because of all the “corn.”

Words are a lot of fun. Manipulating the English language and its various word meanings is even more fun. Let your mind roam free (a scary thought in my case) finding playful ways to craft words into amusing stories.

I am fascinated with homographs (words that are spelled the same, and pronounced the same, but have different meanings). One word that comes to mind is the word ear. Two examples of the word ear with different meanings are the ears of corn we eat, and the ears attached to our head, allowing us to hear the spoken word.

Even the word corn has a dual meaning. Corn can mean the yellow-kernel vegetable we eat or a slang expression applied to any type of inane, silly prose such as this article.

As I get older, I’m not sure if my hearing is as acute as it used to be or if it has become more selective with time. This makes dinner conversation very interesting if not downright amusing at our house. While enjoying a plate of fresh-picked corn-on-the-cob this summer, my significant other and I were enjoying pleasant dinner conversation. He asked, half in jest, if he could nibble on my ear. I thought he was referring to the extra ear of corn on my dinner plate, so I passed him the corn. "Corny," but true.

Potatoes have eyes. If you cut out one of the eyes from a potato and plant it, it will grow other potatoes. Cutting out one of your eyes and planting it will not only make you blind but will get you permanent housing in a mental institution. You can also go “blind” trying to thread the eye of a needle. My eyes have crossed many times attempting to thread a needle. It also helped me to practice my cursing skills.

Did you know that there are 1,000 ways to cook a potato? That means there are over 100,000 eyes staring at you over a period of time if you try all 1,000 recipes. Think about that. Be careful what you wear in the kitchen ‘cause those potatoes have eyes (groan).

Then there are flies. There is the fly on your pants, referred to as a zipper, and that pesky winged insect that makes annoying buzzing sounds.

Why is it that the only time you forget to zip up your pants is when you are trying to impress a potential client? It always happens when you are rushed for time and is only noticed when you see people staring at the area below your waist where polite people don’t usually stare. When you look down to see what people are looking at, you notice part of your shirttail sticking out of the front of your pants. Usually clients have a sense of humor and laugh more at the color of your face (which by now is crimson from embarrassment) than at the unzipped fly.

The other fly is that pesky winged critter that makes annoying whirring, humming sounds until it lands. I like the ones that are musical with their varying droning pitches of incessant buzzing. The flight of the flies usually takes place on a hot summer night around 2 a.m. waking me from a sound sleep. At that point, I am usually up looking for the fly swatter (no, I’m not going to swat zippers) so that I can squash that intolerable noise. It turns out, last summer I didn’t need the fly swatter after all. When the fly landed on me, it bit me. The poor thing dropped over dead on the floor. It must have been that jalapeno pepper I had with dinner.        

Have fun with words. Just remember to be careful what you say ‘cause the corn has ears (wince), be careful what you wear ‘cause the potatoes have eyes (groan), keep your fly zipped, and learn to enjoy jalapeno peppers because I’ve discovered that they kill the other kind…flies that is.