For Me

"This is where the guilty part comes in. I’m doing it for me, so I can begin writing again."

As a mother and wife for the past eight years, my main priority has been to care for my family. I’m sure that many mothers and wives agree. We even feel guilty when we want to lay down and take a break because we know there’s laundry that needs doing, faces that need cleaning, dogs that need airing, food that needs preparing. And who else but a wife and mother can handle all that at nearly the same moment? And—the 64 million dollar question—why is that? 

 I stopped going to school after my first 2 years of college to have children, I figured I wanted to have them while I was young and enjoy them as I am young. And boy am I loving it. My husband and I are lucky to be able to support the kids on one income. I am very lucky to able to inhale the beauty of raising my children and listen to their laughter. Nothing is nicer than being able to teach them their A,B,C’s and 1,2,3’s. But then I decided to send my son to pre-school at the age of four. I figured that was good enough for him to be with out me for a couple of days; “It’s healthy for him” I would say. He would come home with the cutest stories about his day at school and I would proudly listen to him and not breathe a word just so he would keep talking about it. Nothing made me happier than those Mother Day gifts he would make for me from pre-school…so what if it was a painted rock? He made it and it was beautiful. 

 Here I am again with my second son , who’s 3 years old, and I just registered him for pre-school. I can’t explain how guilty I feel. It took me months to decide if I was doing the right thing. This is where the guilty part comes in. I’m doing it for me, so I can begin writing again. And here’s the problem: I never do something just for me anymore and I feel guilty. My son is very attached to me and I keep trying to convince myself that this is good for him, but when it comes down to it I am still doing it for me. For those classes I never got to finish taking in college. For the book I am trying to publish…for ME. I recently began my career as a actual Freelance Writer, I’m receiving a lot of assignments, and I can’t take a toddler with me to those assignments. I figure I have a lot to offer, I could use those couple of days to work. But he’s so attached to me. I feel so guilty. 

 Here comes Monday, and I take my child to this pre-school so I could see how is reaction is towards this new experience he will be having ALONE, without me. Guess what he does? He says, “Bye Mama, I love you.” And as tears fill my eyes, I realize he’s going to be okay. And as the guilt starts to fade away I think, Maybe it’s just me. 

 And now I know my career as a “Writing Parent” will become a little easier and a little less filled with guilt. Just because I sent my son to school a little early doesn’t mean I love him any less, it just means I’m ready to think a little about me.  

 It feels good. 

 Happy writing to all! 

*****

--SA  

© 2000, Susan Attiyah