Actual Label Instructions on Consumer Goods

On a Sears hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."
(Fortunately this rule doesn't apply to word processors.)

On a bag of Fritos:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(Just push those pillaged bags to the back of the shelf.)

On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(Irregular soap costs extra.)

On Swann frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(Well . . . it's a start.)

On a hotel-furnished shower cap:
"Fits one head."
(Yeah, but which head?)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on the bottom of the box)
"Do not turn upside down."
(Doesn't everyone know not to turn a Tiramisu upside down?)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(Can you be sure?)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(Let us guess -- "iron will be hot after heating")

On Boot's children's cough medicine:
"Do not drive car or operate machinery."
(Owing to many recent accidents involving stuporous toddlers in forklifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
"Warning: may cause drowsiness."
(We expected wild bursts of poetic frenzy.)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
"Warning: keep out of children."
(Unless maybe they're jousting for future jobs as label writers.)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(Well, ancient Taoists would understand.)

On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(Well, ancient Geisha would understand.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
(Especially painful for those of us expecting chimichangas.)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: open packet, eat nuts."
(Chew. Swallow. Breathe.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Okay, but it doesn't rule out using them to start the chainsaw.)

On a child's Superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(O ye of little faith.)