All That Glitters Part 1

by Christina Hamlett

The past nine months have been an intriguing education insofar as exploring the entrepreneurial spirit of "Fringe Hollywood." While no one can fault the mogul-wannabees from getting swept up in the magic of Tinseltown dreams and wanting to be an integral part of it, the spells that are sometimes cast to attract "peeps" to their fold might better fit the definition of curse.

In the context of my work as a professional script consultant, one of the services I provide to my clients is to scope out the credibility and connections of film companies and producers to whom they want to submit their projects. Suffice it to say, the results have yielded enough smoke and mirrors to fill an entire book, a disheartening testament to P.T. Barnum's observation about suckers.

Sadly, new screenwriters are easy prey for fledgling operations that have neither the capital nor the commitment to deliver on their extravagant promises. The examples provided in this summer trilogy will help keep you smart as you navigate the circuitous roadways to fame and fortune.

NICOLE ON LINE "2"

The ad on www.Craigslist.com called for a savvy development director to provide script analysis and rewrites on major motion pictures. Okay, I'll bite. The producer, whom I'll call Billy, was a magazine photographer who woke up one day and decided, "Hey, wouldn't it be cool if I wrote a bunch of movie scripts for all of these beautiful people I've been taking pictures of?!"

His "test," which I passed with flying colors, was to read two movie scripts and write up notes regarding their marketability. Within 48 hours, I delivered my notes, prompting Billy to call and tell me I was "definitely in."

"And what exactly does 'in' mean?" I asked.

"Let me get back to you on that," he begged off. "I've got Nicole holding on Line 2. Poor thing. She's still crying her eyes out about Tom..."

Such was the pattern of every call with Billy, who was either just wrapping up a chat with Sigourney, on his way to lunch with Brad and Jen, or trying to get an email off to Christian Slater. Was there anyone on the planet with whom Billy wasn't personally schmoozing? Did Billy also have imaginary friends? Was he actually a pimple-faced teen with a lot of time on his hands? I whimsically decided to reserve judgment until I could see some results...or at least a contract specifying my title and salary.

"Oh you're definitely in as my VP gal," he assured me. "I just don't have the money in place yet."

What he did have, however, were lots of scripts that were "really hot" and that Hollywood was ready to move on at any second. After reading a few, of course, I was hard pressed to figure out what the rush was. Why? Because it was some of the worst stuff I'd ever read.

Nevertheless, I went ahead and made script notes on them, reminding Billy that I'd be keeping an accounting of the time spent so that I could be reimbursed as soon as capital became available. I also continued to press him for a formal contract.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," he said, "I haven't had time to write it up yet."

What he did have time for, however, were 10-15 emails a day demanding that I review more scripts. He also insisted that I should "get on the case" of those writers whom he felt were dragging their feet on rewrites.

To no surprise at this juncture, I found out that the reason for their delays was because Billy was insisting that they let him option all of their work for free. “It’s ground-floor, babe,” he told them. Apparently even the traditional good faith option of $1 was beyond Billy's limited sense of ethics.

Nearly six months had elapsed by now and Billy had yet to sell anything to anybody. I finally decided to bow out and invoice him for the projects I'd reviewed.

"How DARE you send me a bill!" he shot back. "And after everything I did for your career by letting you get in on the ground floor!"

Yes, well, I guess I'll just have to live with that.

Not only did he refuse to pay me but his parting shot made me revisit my earlier speculation of him being a teen with no friends. "I was going to invite you to my big birthday bash this weekend," he declared, "but after what you did, I don't like you anymore."

Damn. And I was really looking forward to wearing party hats with Ashton and Demi...

The Lesson: People who know real names don’t have the need to drop them.

Coming up next month: “We’d tell you our secrets but then we’d have to kill you.”

Former actress/director Christina Hamlett is an award winning author and professional script coverage consultant whose publishing credits to date include 17 books, 110 plays and musicals, 3 optioned films, and columns/interviews that appear regularly throughout the world. For additional background, please visit www.absolutewrite.com/site/christina.htm