The Perfect Screenplay

by Patrick P. Stafford

Recently my friend John returned from an extended vacation to southern California where he’d visited several film studios and production companies who’d expressed interest in a few of his many screenplays. One screenplay in particular – about the trials and tribulations of a young couple attending a Florida university who had fallen in love but were reluctant to marry because of their quarreling parents – had made the rounds and was almost bought by the biggest of the many film executives. John was used to rejection, but he was especially put out when this studio passed on that screenplay.

“So, what was wrong with it?” I asked.

And John answered, in his deadpan way, “They said they were looking for a love story about a young couple attending a university in Texas, not Florida.”

“Oh,” I said. “I see. Well, didn’t you tell them you could change that part of the story?”

“Of course I did. But then they said they wanted a story about a couple who hadn’t fallen in love yet, but would, near the end of the movie.”

“Okay,” I said, “maybe you should have told them you could change that part of the story, too.”

“No kidding!” he deadpanned back. “But then they wanted the parents to be friends and work at the same department store where the young couple would meet and later fall in love.”

“Uh-huh,” I said. “And where did the parents work in the original story?”

“At a grocery store.”

“I see.” I shrugged. “So put ‘em in a department store! What’s the big deal?”

“What’s the big deal? I’ll tell you the big deal!” he practically screamed. “They decided they wanted the guy’s parents to own the department store, and they wanted the girl’s parents to try and steal the department store from the guy’s parents. That’s the big deal!”

“Oh,” I said. “But just for the sake of flexibility, couldn’t you agree to make these small concessions in the story, too?”

John took a long, deep breath; his face was flushed. “Not only did I agree to alter my script,” he said through clenched teeth, “and put in all the new changes they wanted, but I even offered to start all over, again!”

I smiled. “Good for you, John. That’s great. That’s flexibility.”

He frowned.

I went on, “So, did they agree to this?”

John sighed. “Uh huh, they agreed, all right! And then they said they needed a romantic action melodrama about two groups of loving parents who end up fighting over a department store in a Texas suburb near a rundown middle school their children—members of opposing gangs—attend, and these children were supposed to meet and finally fall in love...like Romero and Juliet, but, after a while, they grow to hate each other because their parents, who also used to be friends, have blown up the department store and murdered each other after learning they’re rival alumnus from different universities in Florida!”

I gave a moment to silence, then said, “Well, John, all I can say is, I’m glad they weren’t looking for the perfect screenplay and you didn’t quit your day job!”

“Yeah, right,” he said. “That’s pretty much what they said, too. Just before I grabbed my script and got out of there as fast as I could!”

Patrick is a published author and poet. You can email him at platonow@peoplepc.com